How many times have you found yourself barking at your kids to clean up after themselves? You nag and nag at little Billy to clean his room and he just won't. Maybe you've tried rewarding your children for doing chores but they just don't seem self motivated. If you dont remind them daily, they just will not pick up after themselves. You try to make cleaning up fun but they're just not buying it. So you've resorted to paying your children to do their chores. Until one day you realize you ask little Billy to take out the garbage and his reply is: "How much ya gonna pay me?" And while your kids might do a decent job of keeping their own rooms clean, toy rooms and living rooms, among other public spaces, remain in shambles. Any attempts to get your kids to clean these rooms equate pulling teeth and are always met with whining. What to you do to make your kids clean up after themselves without you even reminding them? Is it possible?

I think it is. And I'll bet you can do it while similarly teaching responsibility, care for one's possessions, and a spirit of discernment and generosity.

I'm not a mom but I have worked as a nanny, babysitter, and camp counselor for years, so I don't need to be a parent to take an interest in children and their develoment. Also, I hope to be a mom someday (not soon) so anything I find works with kids now, I take a mental note and save the method for the future.

Recently, I read this book called "Boundaries with kids: when to say yes, when to say no to help your children gain control of their lives" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My husband was given this book when he worked with delinquent kids and told me it's pretty much amazing, so I read it. And it was pretty much amazing. Everything I read in the book I found to be very true and practical. It offered effective discipline methods that don't involve screaming your face off or nagging your kids. Instead, you aim to make them responsible for their own actions by setting consequences when they cross boundaries, and sticking to those consequences. The child crying out of a deep sense of loss and sadness (not physical pain or frustration) is an indication that the discipline is working: the child is experiencing loss because of something he or she did, and as a result is led to regret his or her decision. Thus the kid has to own up and take responsibility for his or her actios. The book says that oftentimes parents fail at this effective discipline because they cannot stand to see their child sad. Instead they resort to power struggles with their child, anger, or worse, letting the child win every time, which does irreparable damage to the child's future outlook and behavior toward others.

"Boundaries with kids" recommended a great solution to the clean up struggle: simply inform the kids that any toys not replaced in their proper locations by the time they go to bed will be donated to Goodwill. (The idea being that since the kids obviously do not care enough about those possessions to put them away, they will be given to children who can appreciate them). Then, when the kids inevitably leave their toys all over the living room and head off to bed, quietly collect their possessions in a box and take them to Goodwill the next day. Don't nag or remind them to clean up their toys throughout the day. Simply warn them once, and then follow through with the consequence when they don't clean up. The kids will obviously be upset about this, especially if one of their favorite toys must go to Goodwill. Empathize with their frustration without nagging or being the bad guy. "I know it's hard to lose a toy that you love." But don't give in to their tears. You can bet that no more than a few days of their toys disappearing will elapse before they start to realize that they can put a stop to the madness by simply picking up their toys before they go to bed. And if they don't realize it, they will eventually have no toys. Easy, no?

I think this idea is fantastic, but it does present a few problems. First, today's moms are often coddling. They can't imagine donating their child's favorite toy to Goodwill. Think of how "SAD" that would make the kid! Second, some families are pretty poor. An effective consequence makes only the child sad and regretful. But I can see moms the world over cringing at the thought of having to donate their child's $300 Wii to Goodwill because the kid left it out, especially if they saved up for months to buy it. Third, some moms are more attatched than their kids to certain childrens' possessions. "What about that blanket grandma made her when she was a baby? What if she leaves that out on the floor? Certainly I"m not going to donate THAT to goodwill!" The problem with this is that children are clever and they will figure out this little loophole. I can just see the kid going, "Who cares if I don't put away that toy? Mom would never in a million years get rid of it."

So I thought of a better (I think) alternative:

Instead of immediately donating possessions to Goodwill, why not have a confiscation chest? Anything left out that the child was supposed to have put away will be placed inside the chest, which will be locked with a combination that only mom and dad know. The items placed inside the chest will be dated with a piece of tape and marker. From there, the child must earn back his or her possessions. The only way he or she can earn them back is by keeping his or her area clean for X amount of days in a row. Let's say 10. After ten "dutiful days" (which can be logged on the outside of the chest somehow), the child will earn one toy back. This toy must be the earliest-dated toy (i.e. the one placed into the chest first. This prevents the child from only working 10 days to earn back his one favorite toy). From there, every five dutiful days or so, the child can earn another toy back. If the box gets too full, the parent and child will go through the box and decide what to donate to Goodwill so that the new items can fit into the box.

Also, let's say the kid has five items in the box, and they were placed in there in this order: legos, paper dolls, box of ol crayons, train, Nintendo DS. The kid didn't care too much when their legos paper dolls, old crayons, and train were confiscated; they were only midly annoyed. Mom didn't nag about it (as she shouldn't have to make this effective) and they didn't really care. But when their Nintendo DS was taken away, the kid realized this is a problem. So she started to be diligent about putting away her toys. After ten days, she has finally earned her legos back. But she decides she doesn't really play with legos anymore. So she opts to donate the legos to Goodwill and take the Paper dolls instead. Five dilligent days later, she earns back her old crayons, but again decides to donate those and gets the train. She decides she also doesn't play with the train and donates that as well, thus achieving her DS. (I think it would be appropriate for the parents' sake to put a ban on donating/skipping some items like photo albums or special homemade things from relatives).  In just fifteen days this child has learned that if she values her toys, she must take care of them by putting them away after she plays with them because those she doesn't put away with either become a forced donation or be taken away for a good long time. She has also learned the spirit of giving and of priorititzing; those toys which are really important to her are worth keeping; those that are not can perhaps be better used by younger siblings or by charity. She may even decide to donate some of her toys before they have a chance of getting confiscated. And most importantly, she's learned self sufficiency. Meanwhile, mom and dad can relax without having to pick up the same things after their child day after day.

What do you think about this method? Are there any methods you have used to get your kids to clean up around the house?